January 1, 2001

My fellow conservative Americans:

Many of you were disappointed back in November when the state of Missouri handed over its governorship to the widow of the late Democratic governor, Mel Carnahan, instead of to his rightful replacement -- me. But, being the devoted Christian that I am, I had faith in our good Lord to set America straight on a path toward righteousness. First, the Lord rewarded my faith in Him by allowing George W. Bush to steal the presidency from that heathen, Al Gore. Then, President-elect Bush nominated me for Attorney General on the Friday before Christmas. My cup runneth over!

Indeed, it took much courage and determination for you to remain quiet during George W. Bush's presidential campaign. You all had to hold your collective breath while our friend George W. went about the business of promoting himself as a "moderate" and a "compassionate conservative." Ha! We all knew that by keeping mum on the urgent issues of protecting fetal rights and promoting white supremacy, George W. was merely gunning for the support of the swing voters who naïvely believed the conservative spin doctors on TV and were too stupid, or simply too busy, to do any research -- or even use simple logic -- on their own.

In fairness, it is important to note that I did my best to make it difficult for anyone to conduct research on me, a covert practice to which we conservatives strictly adhere. My Web site, JohnAshcroft.com, features such innocuous things as a photo album of my whitebread family, my vocal participation as a baritone in the Singing Senators quartet (with my good friends Trent Lott, Larry Craig, and James Jeffords), and clichéd descriptions of my love for the great outdoors and the pastoral beauty of Missouri. I do, briefly, mention a few of my political accomplishments and goals -- philosophies against which even liberals have a hard time arguing -- like fostering Internet growth, lowering taxes, protecting Social Security from wasteful government spending, balancing the Missouri state budget, and busting methamphetamine purveyors. Nowhere on my site is there even a single mention of my tyrannical anti-abortion stance or the honorary degree from Bob Jones University I'd received in 1999, of which I am so very proud.

Rest assured, friends, this whitewashed Web site is merely a device to throw off the liberals and the real moderates. Take comfort in the fact that ending abortion is the most important thing in the world to me, and I would sacrifice anything to accomplish this worthy goal. On Meet the Press on April 19, 1998, I was asked, "…[O]ne choice, cut taxes or outlaw abortion -- what would you do?" And I, of course, replied, "Outlaw abortion." I only hope my fellow wealthy anti-tax conservatives will understand my predicament when faced with this Hobson's choice.

Now that other conservative politicians and I have stolen the reins of our country, we can pick up from where we left off in the early 1990s and begin to reverse the damage wrought by the liberals, as well as further the causes of the few things the Democrats admittedly did right, like reforming welfare and promoting global corporate rule. The good deeds of the Democrats notwithstanding, things are much worse now than they were eight years ago.

I promise you, I will use all the power the Lord has vested in me to make things right again. I believe I speak for all of us when I say America has had enough "leadership" from the liberals. We've tolerated women running wild in corporate offices, construction crews, soccer fields (with their shirts off, no less), and even the prestigious Office of the Attorney General! We've put up with sodomites dancing in the streets, holding hands in public, and "coming out" on national television sitcoms. Even that draft-dodging liberal President ran amok, allowing his domineering wife to go carpet-bagging (and who knows what else) in New York, indulging his cigar fetish, and cavorting with a young Jewess. We have suffered these disgraces for eight years now, and the time has come for us to assume our entitled position as Supreme Rulers of the World. My friends, we have risen!

I hold all of your values close to my heart, and I share your deepest concerns. For your reference, I have outlined my agenda for our nation when I take office in a few weeks. Here, in no particular order, is my list of top priorities:

1. Heighten the War on Drugs. As you are aware, I oppose any federal funding of drug-treatment programs. Why should we pay for those losers to "come down" and learn how to stop sticking needles in their arms? This is not our responsibility. Conversely, we must ban all drug-treatment programs, even those that are privately funded, and expedite the process of sending drug users to jail. Once incarcerated, the drug addicts can immediately get to work answering customer service calls and making clothes for the rest of us. I also support mandatory drug-testing on a consistent basis for all Americans in order catch more drug users and promptly incarcerate them, thereby increasing the supply of cheap labor to our esteemed corporations. (Wealthy Republicans will be exempt from drug-testing, of course.)
2. Restore the Confederacy. We must approach this carefully, friends. When we speak of the Confederacy, we must cloak our motives behind rhetoric of "respecting our cultural heritage" and being "astute scholars of history." We must also install a few token minorities to high-profile government posts in order to maintain our ruse; George W. has already wisely followed this prescription by hiring Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice. It is also a good idea to let the blacks and their liberal white friends enjoy a day off from work in January to commemorate Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., who was actually very smart even though we hate to admit it. These gestures will keep the people calm while we remain steadfast in our mission to resegregate America. Let's face it, folks: most blacks aren't Colin Powell or Condi Rice or even the intelligent Dr. King. Most are incorrigible drug addicts and thieves and welfare queens who require the daily structure of the modern plantation -- the prison system -- to keep them in line.
3. Return dignity to men. Ladies must return to their proper workplaces: the kitchen, the laundry room, and the nursery. This is what they want, anyway. Many of them claim that they need to work outside the home in order to earn money. Some even claim to enjoy it, and believe they want to have a "career" -- as if they are men! But we know better. Ladies secretly want to return to a life of thankless domestic servitude with no real options. It's the FemiNazis who forced them out of the kitchen in the first place, demanding that women have their own discretionary money and sovereignty over their own lives. It's time to put an end to this nonsense. And let's take away their "right" to vote, while we're at it. It was the stupid soccer moms who put the wicked Bill Clinton into the White House and almost replaced him with the Devil himself, Al Gore. We cannot afford to allow such unfettered power to remain in the hands of the people -- especially women.
4. Protect all fertilized human eggs. Never mind all those starving children around the world. (Most of them aren't white, anyway, so who cares.) We need to focus our attention on those poor embryos whose ungrateful mothers-to-be shouldn't have allowed themselves to be raped, or even <gasp!> to desire the physical relations that God only intended for men to enjoy. I will do everything I can to support an amendment to the Constitution that protects the lives of all unborn people, including free-floating strands of human DNA. We must protect our unborn soldiers, poorly-paid workers, Christians, Republicans, and gun lovers!
5. Terminate the Homosexual Agenda. It is vital to America that the sodomites do a 180-turn and march right back into that closet of theirs. We've had enough of "gay pride" this and Purple Teletubby that. If the fags don't like it, well, they can just suck my dick. Wait! No, I didn't mean that. I meant, they can suck each others' dicks. Wait, no! I didn't mean that either. What I really meant to say is that they should stop sucking each others' dicks. Right. There should definitely be no more dick-sucking among heathens. <Whew.> Sorry, friends -- I have been spending a lot of time with George W. lately, and I must have gotten a "contact" stupid from being in the same room with him. This, unfortunately, is an occupational hazard of my new job.
6. Criminalize flag-burning. All flag-burners and thugs who deface the American flag in any way -- including those who merely illustrate such actions in speech or visual imagery -- must be punished for treason. I will extend this protection to the Confederate flag out of respect for the former slave-owners in the South.
7. Revive prayer in schools. All children must pray to Christ, our Lord, every day in order to cleanse them of the sins they will eventually commit. Atheists, Jews, Pagans, and other heathens may not like it now, but they will thank us in the end because at least we will have provided them with the potential to avoid the fiery pits of hell in the afterlife. It is painfully obvious that mandatory prayer would handily solve all the problems currently facing our schools: overcrowded classrooms, failing grades, and gun violence. If, for some reason, the liberals block us at every turn on this, then I will do my best to reach goal #8.
8. Privatize schools. Forget school vouchers. That idea was just an intermediary step, anyway; let's proceed directly to the solution. The government should only pay for schools that conform to good, Christian teachings. If heathen parents prefer to send their children to some Godless school, fine -- let McDonald's or Coca-Cola or Philip Morris pay for it.

As you know, I have a reputation for being a man of diplomacy and good manners. When it seems to you that I am straying from the Path of Righteousness, or that I am keeping quiet when I should be loudly opinionated, please remain patient. In time, you will see my covert plans unfold. Have faith in me and in the good Lord that, together, we will restore dignity to the United States of America and set an example for other nations to follow. Afghanistan is already way ahead of us, despite the fact that it is run by wicked Muslims instead of good Christians. But dignity comes in several flavors. Tolerance is a virtue, friends -- but only when it's used to our benefit.

Please feel free to inundate my office with your requests for controlling other people's lives. I will consider them all very carefully. Also, continue your daily harassment of minorities, women (especially feminists!), fags, liberals, non-Christians, and poor people. It makes me proud to serve those of you who are working so tirelessly in the trenches of our great war against evil.

I wish you and your families the very best for the New Year. May we all wreak havoc on "civil rights" everywhere!

Your devoted brother in Christ,

Senator John Ashcroft