January 1, 2001
My fellow conservative Americans:
Many of you were disappointed back in November when the state of Missouri handed over its governorship to the widow of the late Democratic governor, Mel Carnahan, instead of to his rightful replacement -- me. But, being the devoted Christian that I am, I had faith in our good Lord to set America straight on a path toward righteousness. First, the Lord rewarded my faith in Him by allowing George W. Bush to steal the presidency from that heathen, Al Gore. Then, President-elect Bush nominated me for Attorney General on the Friday before Christmas. My cup runneth over!
Indeed, it took much courage and determination for you to remain quiet during George W. Bush's presidential campaign. You all had to hold your collective breath while our friend George W. went about the business of promoting himself as a "moderate" and a "compassionate conservative." Ha! We all knew that by keeping mum on the urgent issues of protecting fetal rights and promoting white supremacy, George W. was merely gunning for the support of the swing voters who naïvely believed the conservative spin doctors on TV and were too stupid, or simply too busy, to do any research -- or even use simple logic -- on their own.
In fairness, it is important to note that I did my best to make it difficult for anyone to conduct research on me, a covert practice to which we conservatives strictly adhere. My Web site, JohnAshcroft.com, features such innocuous things as a photo album of my whitebread family, my vocal participation as a baritone in the Singing Senators quartet (with my good friends Trent Lott, Larry Craig, and James Jeffords), and clichéd descriptions of my love for the great outdoors and the pastoral beauty of Missouri. I do, briefly, mention a few of my political accomplishments and goals -- philosophies against which even liberals have a hard time arguing -- like fostering Internet growth, lowering taxes, protecting Social Security from wasteful government spending, balancing the Missouri state budget, and busting methamphetamine purveyors. Nowhere on my site is there even a single mention of my tyrannical anti-abortion stance or the honorary degree from Bob Jones University I'd received in 1999, of which I am so very proud.
Rest assured, friends, this whitewashed Web site is merely a device to throw off the liberals and the real moderates. Take comfort in the fact that ending abortion is the most important thing in the world to me, and I would sacrifice anything to accomplish this worthy goal. On Meet the Press on April 19, 1998, I was asked, "…[O]ne choice, cut taxes or outlaw abortion -- what would you do?" And I, of course, replied, "Outlaw abortion." I only hope my fellow wealthy anti-tax conservatives will understand my predicament when faced with this Hobson's choice.
Now that other conservative politicians and I have stolen the reins of our country, we can pick up from where we left off in the early 1990s and begin to reverse the damage wrought by the liberals, as well as further the causes of the few things the Democrats admittedly did right, like reforming welfare and promoting global corporate rule. The good deeds of the Democrats notwithstanding, things are much worse now than they were eight years ago.
I promise you, I will use all the power the Lord has vested in me to make things right again. I believe I speak for all of us when I say America has had enough "leadership" from the liberals. We've tolerated women running wild in corporate offices, construction crews, soccer fields (with their shirts off, no less), and even the prestigious Office of the Attorney General! We've put up with sodomites dancing in the streets, holding hands in public, and "coming out" on national television sitcoms. Even that draft-dodging liberal President ran amok, allowing his domineering wife to go carpet-bagging (and who knows what else) in New York, indulging his cigar fetish, and cavorting with a young Jewess. We have suffered these disgraces for eight years now, and the time has come for us to assume our entitled position as Supreme Rulers of the World. My friends, we have risen!
I hold all of your values close to my heart, and I share your deepest concerns. For your reference, I have outlined my agenda for our nation when I take office in a few weeks. Here, in no particular order, is my list of top priorities:
As you know, I have a reputation for being a man of diplomacy and good manners. When it seems to you that I am straying from the Path of Righteousness, or that I am keeping quiet when I should be loudly opinionated, please remain patient. In time, you will see my covert plans unfold. Have faith in me and in the good Lord that, together, we will restore dignity to the United States of America and set an example for other nations to follow. Afghanistan is already way ahead of us, despite the fact that it is run by wicked Muslims instead of good Christians. But dignity comes in several flavors. Tolerance is a virtue, friends -- but only when it's used to our benefit.
Please feel free to inundate my office with your requests for controlling other people's lives. I will consider them all very carefully. Also, continue your daily harassment of minorities, women (especially feminists!), fags, liberals, non-Christians, and poor people. It makes me proud to serve those of you who are working so tirelessly in the trenches of our great war against evil.
I wish you and your families the very best for the New Year. May we all wreak havoc on "civil rights" everywhere!
Your devoted brother in Christ,
Senator John Ashcroft
Copyright © 2001 Mariva H. Aviram. All rights reserved.